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Dec 10I’m not crazy – I’m an INFP.
Gorgeous INFP tattoo belonging to the53rdcalypso @ flickr
This is a blog entry that I’ve been meaning to write for months, but haven’t built up the courage to do it until now. Why? Well, lots of reasons. Mostly my insecurity and constant self-doubting holding me back. But also the fact that I have so much on my mind about this subject, that I’m not even sure where to begin. (Hence this being just part 1 – I’m certain that I’ll be writing more entries on this topic in the future.) But before I begin, I’d just like to mention – I may ramble on and on. I may go off-topic. Please bear with me. I think I only know how to tell stories imperfectly, in a scatter-brained manner.
So where do I begin? Well, ok. Ever since I was about 12, I’ve had this notion in my head that I am not like normal people. I know that everyone feels like this to certain degrees, at different points in their life – Feeling misunderstood. Feeling like a loner. For the majority of my life, though, I have honestly felt so different, and not entirely sure why, that it made me certain that I must have some sort of mental illness.
It’s really hard to fully explain all of the aspects that made me feel this way. I just honestly felt like my brain or soul or something was not like normal people. So throughout the years, I’ve casually researched various mental disorders, in an effort to figure myself out. Here is my (honest to God! lol) list of mental illnesses/disorders/etc that, in the past, I have thought I might have: manic depression, anxiety/panic attacks, ocd (or some form of it?), tourette’s (the nervous tics, not the vocal ones), schizotypal disorder, avoidant personality disorder, depression, some form of schizophrenia, “highly sensitive person.” I’m not even sure if this covers -everything- I’ve thought I had. Ha.
Parts of all of these suited me to certain degrees, but nothing seemed entirely right. Also, a part of me was telling myself, “If you’re sane enough to think that you’re crazy, then how can you actually be crazy?” So I kept searching. Then, I reached a point a few months ago, that I think was the closest thing to a nervous breakdown that I’ve ever had. I can only theorise why this happened. But my best guess is that it was a cumulation of a few things affecting me in my life. Events and circumstances that got so heavy on my mind, I couldn’t bear the weight of it all any longer. My mother died in March. To paraphrase an acquaintance of mine who also lost her mother this year, “It’s the saddest thing – having to miss someone for the rest of your life.”
Another circumstance which got too heavy on my mind was, strangely, a new creative endeavour I was trying to pursue. I mentioned previously on my blog that my boyfriend and I are collaborating on a comic book. I have learned it to be the absolute truth, what other writers say, how starting your book is the hardest part. Coming up with a decent plot, characters, dialogue, et cetera is hard enough, but my biggest issue in the writing process was actually myself! Every day, my mind was plagued with doubts – “Am I a good enough writer? Can I even write a whole, entire story? Will it be coherent? What if I truly am so crazy that whatever I write will make absolutely no sense?” All of this self-doubting threw me into that loop once again of – Why am I not like normal people? What is wrong with me? Despite my possible nervous breakdown-ish episode that I experienced because of these stresses, I trudged on. I still continued my routine of writing every day.
While looking through some of my old notebooks for any kind of literary ideas I could grasp, I found the results from a personality test that I took in college. I remembered being in my class, taking the test. Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator, it was called. After all of the tests were completed and scored, my teacher passed back the results, reading everyone’s personality type aloud. When he got to mine, he just stopped and looked at it. Moreso quietly speaking to himself, he said, “Wow. You never see types like that. That’s so interesting.” and he handed me my paper. It said I was an INFP. The results simply came with a sheet that had just one tiny paragraph description for each of the types. Sixteen types in all. While mine did, indeed, sound like me, I didn’t think much about it again. It was just one little succinct paragraph on a paper that I forgot about entirely.
But here I was, years later, with this paper again. In the midst of all of my overwhelming, on and off again, emotional and mental turmoil, I decided to look further into this INFP thing. In a continued effort of finding myself. Figuring myself out. Well, first of all, I looked for an online version of the MBTI test. I wanted to re-take the test to see if my result would be the same. And it was. INFP once again. This time, though, I was given a much more thorough description as to what the INFP personality type was all about. I am not even exaggerating when I say – this was a life-changing experience. Not only did this INFP personality type perfectly describe me, but the description also listed every single aspect about myself that made me think I was mentally ill. Here are just a few examples of some things I’ve read in various descriptions of the INFP personality:
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“INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things.” (source) |
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“INFPs never seem to lose their sense of wonder. One might say they see life through rose-colored glasses. It’s as though they live at the edge of a looking-glassworld where mundane objects come to life, where flora and fauna take on near-human qualities.” (source) |
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“creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings…” (source) |
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“An INFP may show some or all of the following weaknesses in varying degrees: May be extremely sensitive to any kind of criticism (source) |
& Finally, I read these two excerpts within various descriptions. Which totally helped me to re-gain confidence in myself and stop worrying about my writing abilities:
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“INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they’re feeling on paper.” (source) |
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“It’s worth mentioning that nearly all of the truly great writers in the world have been INFPs.” (source) |
This was all an amazing experience. I finally realised that I am not mentally ill. I am perfectly fine. I am meant to be this way. Discovering more and more about my personality type was actually a freeing experience. I also read that the INFP personality type only accounts for about 2% of the population. Which makes it kind of rare, thus explaining my constant feelings of aloneness. Feeling as if nobody in this world was like me. Now that I know that there is a whole population of people whose minds work exactly the same as mine, it feels as if I’ve been granted access into an amazing secret society! As of recent, I’ve actually been frequenting a message board called Personality Cafe where there’s a subforum for each of the 16 different personality types. On the INFP board, there’s a thread where people are posting introduction videos about themselves and what it’s like to be an INFP. After overcoming a bit of fear, I decided to post my own video. And even though this is still a bit terrifying for me, I’m going to also post my video here. Please pardon my awkwardness and excess of emotion towards the end. I’m just your typical INFP, I guess. Haha.
So to anyone else who is on a journey of introspection and self-discovery, I would highly recommend taking the MBTI test and finding out what your personality type is all about. It may very well help you in your journey.
December 28th, 2010 at 12:20 am
[...] View original post here: I'm not crazy – I'm an INFP. (Part 1) [...]
December 28th, 2010 at 3:22 am
Had similar questions myself. I’m an INTJ who questioned whether I had autism.
Very different symptoms/qualities. Also a general lack of emotionalism. The story, however, is very familiar.
I’m also surprised INFPs tend to not notice social customs. (Figured the NF would help you on that.) But in retrospect, considering Luna Lovegood, it should have been obvious.
December 28th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
I actually had to google “Luna Lovegood” lol .. I am one of the few people in the world who is not familiar with the Harry Potter books/movies haha
But anyway, ello to you, INTJ-friend. I like people of your type
.. My best friend/sister-in-law is an INTJ. It should also be noted that she’s obsessed with Harry Potter hehe
January 2nd, 2011 at 1:09 am
Wow…
I truly thought I was the only INFP.
January 3rd, 2011 at 8:44 am
I took the test again, this one seems better than the last one I took, and also got INFP so you were right!
I too have always felt different and often felt that I couldn’t quite get people to see things the way I do even if I explained, leading to feeling quite lonely and like I couldn’t connect.
January 3rd, 2011 at 5:43 pm
Hah, did the test just for fun and guess what?
I got INFP.
I’ve always been the wierdo. Both in my family and amongst my friends. And as long as I can remember I thought something was wrong with me because of that.
Jeez.. I am a bit freaked out right now.. O_O
January 3rd, 2011 at 6:10 pm
@ Brittany: I didn’t know you were an INFP too?!
@ Juliet: Aha! Welcome to the INFP club! hehe .. Yeah, I felt so drawn to you when I found your blog. It just seemed like you were kinda the same as me : )
@ Lovis: Wow. That’s something! .. If you’re intrigued by all this INFP stuff, I’d recommend checking out the forum that I linked to above. It seems like a common thing for all of us INFPs; Feeling like there’s something different about us. & I’m amazed by all of the things that I have in common with the people that I’ve talked to on the forums.
January 3rd, 2011 at 7:03 pm
I might just do that!
Though I wouldn’t say I have very characteristic qualitys of that of an INFP. But when I read about the other personalities I must say it was the one that described me the best.
And I must apologize for my crappy english, my grammar sucks and please, feel free to correct me when I fail in that department.
January 5th, 2011 at 7:44 am
I was linked to this from tumblr and thought, “Hmm a lot of this applies to me!” So I go and take the test and hey! I’m an INFP too. How interesting!
January 15th, 2011 at 6:13 am
Saw your video, it was really sweet. You seem quite intelligent and would probably make a good writer, in fact I actually read your whole article lol, which is rare for me. Anyways, hope you get what you want from life!
January 28th, 2011 at 1:55 am
Thank you for this blog post! Over the years I have also felt really alone and “not like other people”, have spent time researching various mental illnesses (and actually thought that I might have most of the same ones that you mentioned). I am always taking personality tests and whatnot, but this one seemed especially good! As it turns out, I am also an INFP. I actually jumped straight to the test and took it before I even read your blog post, so I was surprised to see that I had the same result, and then went back to see what you had written about it and completely relate to how you feel. This bit about it especially feels like it applies to me, “creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings…” It’s like this test read the diary that I don’t have. It almost feels intrusive and creepy, but it’s also assuring in a way to know that I am not the only one like this. So anyways, thanks for this post
January 28th, 2011 at 10:55 am
@ Casey: That’s awesome. I feel so giddy about finding all of you INFPs! .. It seems like we’re really rare to find in real life, but we’re all over the place on the internet hehe
@ Jeff: Thank you for saying those things. I really appreciate that!
@ Kelsi: Thank you! I’m so extremely happy to know that my story has been helping a few others to discover these things! .. I mentioned this to someone else above, but I’ll mention it again. If you’re into this INFP stuff, I’d recommend checking out the INFP message board at personalitycafe.com .. It’s pretty awesome getting to talk with other INFPs! <3
January 28th, 2011 at 2:03 pm
Jolene, I will definitely have to check that out. I joined the INFP group on Facebook but haven’t had a chance to really look into it much yet.
February 3rd, 2011 at 5:56 pm
[...] this article from hercoffin.net (which has quickly become one of my new favorite blogs!) titled, I’m Not Crazy – I’m An INFP. I really identified with [...]
April 4th, 2011 at 2:26 pm
Kudos to you for being so brave. This is a very sweet page that hits home for me. I am a Marriage Family Therapist and have found that most successful people in my industry are INFP’s and INFJ’s. Tender tender creatures are we. Thank you for the lovely blog.
April 6th, 2011 at 8:58 pm
wow. thank you. iam also an INFP. even though i fight to hide my introvertedness it still comes out. i have had many jobs in the customer service sector and they were all agonizing. i am just not cut out for a job with people.
I am so glad that other people out there feel the same way. i have always felt “different” and to know that its not a mild case of aspergers is a relief.
Long live INFP!
April 10th, 2011 at 5:31 am
I am also a proud INFP!
April 17th, 2011 at 3:57 pm
um…you are a terrible writer though. There’s nothing worse than saps using questionable psychology to tell themselves they are more ‘inspired’, ‘spiritual’ and kooky than all the everyday folk out there. I have a lot of the attributes you talk about, you don’t see me whining. peas
April 17th, 2011 at 6:04 pm
@ Amy INFP, jenna, and jasmin – Thank you all for the kind comments. It makes me really happy to see that other people understand and feel similarly : )
@ james – I guess my article rubbed you the wrong way. I really can’t apologise for that, though. It’s simply just 100% how I felt and how I still feel. I’m still really proud of myself for writing it.
April 18th, 2011 at 7:16 pm
I’m an INFP and I’m not going to whine about peas, either!!
Seriously, I know what you mean considering personality types or not- I’ve always felt like a weirdo, still do. Thankfully, I found another weirdo to marry and we sit around being weird, anti-social creative people together.
April 18th, 2011 at 8:27 pm
@ amanda – Yes, yes! Right on! So happy to hear that you have a another weirdo to be with! hehe .. I had my boyfriend take the personality test and it turns out he’s an INFP too. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in. !
April 21st, 2011 at 9:12 am
to know that there are people who think like you out there is so indescribably relieving. nobody i know is an INFP so reading this lightened my heart.
thanks.
April 21st, 2011 at 4:16 pm
hey guys!
mbti tests aren’t reliable and the population estimations aren’t necessarily true either.
i’d go to the16types.info to find out more information and talk to infps and other types to discuss theories. engaging with real people will help you better determine your type. you’ll be able to learn about your duals (an infp dual is an estp <3), conflictors, historical figures, and a whole bunch of other fun shizz.
and remember, being typed a certain way does not mean you have to "fit" into that certain category. and if you think you have a mental disorder, get it checked out.
also, the word "introverted" in this context describes how your mind relates and organizes concepts to yourself. it doesn't just mean you are shy, private, awkward, hate small-talk,etc. in fact, i love to meet new people. it's your experience that teaches you to be shy, not your type.
good luck and always keep an open mind!!
-fellow infp
May 13th, 2012 at 5:32 am
Another “weirdo” in the house
I have, for as long as I can remember, always thought of myself as a weirdo, but I have also been rather proud of it – mostly. Like you said in your video, “I like crazy”:)
The negative periodes have usually been a result of feeling the load of all the other things that are “wrong” with me, combined. I have Spina Bifida, something that showes in i.e. the way I walk, consequently I was nicknamed “The goose” and other things by my classmates in school. This, particularly with my explosive emotions, has sometimes been hard to cope with (Even my mother has stated that it seems like I have much “more” emotions inside of me than everyone else. Ouch!), and even though I am 21 now and am surrounded by much more mature friends than before .
When I was introduced to the MBTI test about a year ago it was a relief. It was actually a bit scary how well the description fit me, and I recognize myself in almost everything you said in your video, particularly what you said about small talk: I just can’t do it. I love people, I just sometimes need to be alone, and although I’m shy I like to participate in interesting conversations (philosophy, etc.). When it comes to small talk it feels like I’m just standing there smashing my fists into a solide brick wall until my knuckles bleed, without anyone noticing me.
Like I said, after I took the test and looked up a more thorough description of the INFP on the internet, it was surprising how incredibly well it fit me. However, the things I have read gave a slightly different description than the things you have quoted here (and in some of your quotes I don’t recognize myself at all).
Maybe you have already read it, but here is one of the descriptions I’ve read, that felt very accurate:
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html
May 13th, 2012 at 5:39 am
I just realized I didn’t finish one of the sentences. Oh well! Just ignore the “and” (after the parenteses ending with “Ouch!”), it makes sense anyway. At least I think it does (?)
May 26th, 2012 at 12:56 pm
I am 43 and just discovered I am an INFP…it was like a relief to know that wow, I am not a weirdo…and there are others like me! I wondered why I couldn’t click with most people, no matter how hard I tried. I married an INTJ and while we have our little challenges (criticism…he thrives on it, I hate it
) we are making it work. Thanks for your insights, I loved reading them.
July 6th, 2012 at 3:54 pm
Just found this blog when trying to understand my INFP oddities better, and I have to say that I have felt what you’ve written in my life before. I think it’s easy for us to get lost in our search to find meaning around people who just don’t seem to understand. It’s nice to know there are others still out there like ourselves.
August 16th, 2012 at 12:58 am
my favorite thing that you said in your video is that you don’t feel weird anymore. you just feel like yourself. I know exactly what you mean.
I discovered I’m INFP 2 wks ago and it was very freeing; realizing all the things I thought were wrong about myself are just apart of me and make me different.
and this explains why I’ve always been a great writer.
LONG LIVE THE 2%!!
October 20th, 2012 at 6:00 pm
You can definitely see your expertise in the paintings you write. The arena hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. Always follow your heart. “Every man serves a useful purpose A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.” by Laurence J. Peter.