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Hair Inspiration

Jolene — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 16:57:20 +0000

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Blonde & Blue

Jolene — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 02:40:32 +0000

Raina Lauri; One Month!

Jolene — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 14:01:30 +0000

Raina is officially a month old today! I don’t know where the time went. This has been the fastest, haziest, scariest, loveliest month everever in my life!

.GIF Self-portraits

Jolene — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 00:30:15 +0000

Collected webcam photos from 2010 & 2011.

My Daughter, Raina Lauri

Jolene — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 23:47:55 +0000

Ohmy! I didn’t mean to go this long without updating, but as I said in my last entry, I had a C-section scheduled for October 21st. My daughter, Raina Lauri, was born at 7:10am on that day. (A Libra baby! I was secretly hoping I’d have her early enough for her to be that zodiac sign!)

Besides the fact that I’ve been too incredibly busy and/or exhausted to update my blog, I’ve also been putting it off because I wanted to post the most perfect entry about my daughter. There’s so much to say. But how could I even begin to explain the storm of thoughts & emotions swirling through my body? Really, there’s no way that I can properly (or at least eloquently) relay all of the details from the past 2-ish weeks. So I’m just going to dive in and see what I can sum up for you.

The night before my C-section, I had half a nervous breakdown / half a spiritual revelation. I’m prone to panic attacks and often get lost in my head, wading through murky thoughts and emotional oceans. Realising just how real everything became, it was overwhelming. I was about to go through major surgery. About to meet the baby girl that’s been living inside me. About to change my life completely.

Chad and I arrived at the hospital around 4:30am. The entire place was so calm and quiet, it felt like we were the only ones there. It helped a bit in easing my anxiety over the whole process. While all the preparation for the C-section was going on, I recall thinking to myself, “I never, ever want to go through this again.” The poking and prodding of an I.V. being inserted, endless and seemingly random questions being asked of me, and the awkwardness of the catheter and other embarassing things, and this was before the surgery even began.

The worst part for me was when they took me to get a spinal block to numb me for the surgery. I was wheeled from a cozy, little room where Chad sat next to me, to a scary-looking operating room, where they wouldn’t allow Chad to be with me until after the spinal block was administered. I was afraid of what it was going to feel like. Afraid of what was going to happen next. I get major anxiety over having new experiences. I like to know exactly what I’m in for when I do new things. Even though I did tons of research about C-sections, I still didn’t really feel adequately prepared.

After I was entirely numbed from my breastbone down to my feet, they let Chad into the room to be with me. It was perfect timing because I was about two seconds away from a major panic attack. My right arm was restrained, while my left arm was left free for Chad to hold my hand. The surgery then began without me even realising it. There wasn’t any sort of announcement like, “Ok! We’re gonna cut you open now and get your baby out! Are you ready?” It just sort of happened without my knowledge. I felt some slight pressure on my abdomen, but absolutely no pain. Within about 10 to 15 minutes, I heard my baby girl squawking. She was not happy to be outside of my womb. She sounded quite angry. Ha.

Even though I very distinctly remember hearing her first cries, everything else seems extremely hazy to me when I try to remember it. I barely remember looking at her face for the first time. I think perhaps, by that point, the morphine they were giving me had kicked in. I remember feeling wonder and euphoria about my baby girl. And I also remember that I had a hard time keeping my eyes open. I felt exhausted.

Long before I ever even thought about having kids, I recalled a friend of mine mentioning something about motherhood to me. She had two children, and she told me, “The love you feel for your kids is unlike any other feeling you will ever have.” At the time, I wondered what it must feel like and I tried comparing it to the love I feel for my cat. Because he has always been my baby & I love him dearly. Well, after having my daughter, I can explain this feeling to the non-parents in this manner: “The love you feel for your child is like the love you feel for your pet, but multiply that by at least 100. That’s what having a child feels like.”

Why did Chad and I choose to name her Raina Lauri? Well, the origins of her first name have no deep, significant meaning. During my first trimester or two, I was obsessively searching through lists of baby names, scrawling multiple lists of my personal favourites. (You can one find one draft of my name list here.) I shared my lists and ideas with Chad, but he didn’t seem to care for any of the names I chose. So, one day, I downloaded an iphone app for more baby name ideas. I handed the phone to Chad and asked him to look for names that he liked. He says he doesn’t even remember doing this, but he scrolled through the list and randomly picked a name, saying “I like this one,” as he handed the phone back to me. The name he chose was Raina. And as it turned out, I absolutely loved the name. The name made me think of rainy weather. I’ve never liked sunny days; I’ve always loved the rain, so I sort of instantly fell in love with this choice. And all kinds of lovely variations are available with the name. Raina, Rain, Rainy. Out of all the names I had as possibilities, Chad liked Raina the best, so that became her name. As for her middle name, I chose Lauri as an homage to my mom, whose name was Laura. She passed away in March of 2010. So she wasn’t around to see me through my pregnancy or the birth of my daughter. Even though she’s been gone over a year, I still find myself forgetting and wanting to call her or stop by her place of work. I wish more than anything that she and my dad could have both been around to meet Raina.

While Raina and I were still staying at the hospital, the nurses noticed that Raina seemed to breathing too fast. Some tests were done and they found that she has a heart murmur. The news didn’t really phase me, as I happen to have a heart murmur too. My murmur has always been benign and has never caused me any sort of problems. But an appointment was scheduled at the Children’s Hospital in Pittsburgh to check out her murmur and make sure everything was fine. On Halloween, we dressed Raina in a cute, little skeleton sleeper and took her to her appointment. After her exam, it was found that her murmur is being caused by a hole in her heart. The doctor said that this is something that can possibly heal itself. The hole may very well close up on its own, though it could take months or years. If nothing changes though, she may need surgery to close the hole. I’m praying to the universe & God & my parents in heaven, to watch over her and help her heal. I’m trying my best to stay positive & not worry. Either way, Raina is beautiful and happy. She really doesn’t seem to be in any sort of distress over her condition, so I’m absolutely grateful for that.

With a spooky little girl like you

Jolene — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 03:45:38 +0000

There’s my breech baby, at 38 weeks. Look at her little, tiny foot up by her face! So it’s official. Since she’s breech and hasn’t turned around, I’m going to get a C-section. It’s scheduled for Friday, October 21st, at 6:30am. That’s less than 36 hours! It’s so strange to think that, in less than two days, I will no longer be pregnant. I’ll be able to drink vodka and eat turkey sandwiches again! lol .. In less than two days, my life will be immensely more amazing and terrifying and beautiful.

I leave you with the final pictures of me during pregnancy!

Witching Hour Love Letters

Jolene — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 12:44:08 +0000

Digital mood board; witching hour love letters. A collection of found images that embody October and/or Autumn and/or Halloween to me.

Known credits: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
All images were found via tumblr.
If I’m missing a credit to you, please let me know!

Where the stolen roses grow

Jolene — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 04:37:33 +0000

My nine-month-pregnant belly !!
In case you did not know, I am expecting a baby THIS MONTH! She’s due October 28th. I do indeed feel like I could pop at anytime. & I’m so scared, but so very ready also! Everything in my pregnancy has been going great thusfar, except my baby girl is currently breech! It’s pretty unlikely that she’ll turn at this point, but we’ll see. I’m ready for whatever happens. If I end up having to schedule a C-section because of it, that’s fine with me. I’m just eager to meet my sweetie!

So I have not been doing much of anything lately. Lots of napping and lazing about! I hate not being productive or creative, but I told myself, “If there’s any point in my life where I’m allowed to be this lazy, now would be the time!” This point of pregnancy is exhausting for me. But it’s the most amazing experience I’ve ever been through. And I must mention this thought – As a gal who has been extremely self-conscious and insecure nearly all of my life, this is the first time I have ever truly felt in love with my body. I feel like I’m finally growing up. Like I no longer have to have the mentality of a teenage girl who hates herself. I’ve never felt so pleased with myself and my life. Jigsaws falling into place.

My only tiniest bit of productivity/creativity is that I’ve still been taking photos occasionally. I’ve actually been thinking about trying to sell prints of some of my photos & art. I’m going on maternity leave this week and I realised – I need to figure out some new ways to make some income. I’m going to need it, while I have to stay home from my job. Would anyone be interested in purchasing prints? It could be -any- of my photography or art (digital journals, collages, et cetera.) Let me know if there’s anything in particular you’d like to see prints of. You can peruse past entries of this blog to find photos, or go here to take a looksee at my collection of collages & digital art.

Anyway, here are some random pictures from the past month or so:

All three of my kitties in the window.

A cupcake from my baby shower.

An excerpt from one of the many baby books I’ve received.

Chadu surprised me with a new bed!

Jack loves his baby doll.

Sookie was helping me make bracelets.

The finished product.

Cake from my (other!) baby shower.

I was amused by depression bread.

Jack & Sookie

Another shot of my nine-month belly!

Chadu hates having his picture taken, but I snuck a couple recently. We went to a wedding & he was in a suit and tie, so I had to document that!

Sookie & a koala

Chadu’s grandmother’s tea cup collection.

Some of my baby shower gifts.

I made German chocolate cupcakes quite a while ago, but I think I forgot to post a picture.

Wants; The Baby Edition

Jolene — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 01:11:03 +0000

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Daintier Smarter Favourites; Four Eyes

Jolene — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 00:52:28 +0000

Daintier Smarter is my tumblr for collecting images of fashion & style inspiration.
None of these photos belong to me. All images are credited at tumblr.